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Q. My church has been having a Vacation Bible School running since last week, and there is still one more week to go. There aren't too many men in our small church and the church thought it would be good to have a man help out at the Bible School, and since I am a new member of the church, they thought this would be a good way to get me involved, so they asked me to help out. I am new to this church stuff, and have been trying my best, but the pastor of our church, Sister Clemons, had a talk with me about what she thought were some problems with my contributions.
See, there are a lot of church ladies helping out with this thing, so the activities are all girly stuff, like sewing and baking and junk. The church agrees with me that there needs to be some more male-type activities, but the only other man helping out is the church choir director, Brother Percival, and the only contribution he has made has been to show all the kids how to put a perm in someone's hair. I've been pretty much left on my own to come up with good activities.
I thought I was doing well the first night, when I demonstrated how to do a tattoo. One new church member, who until recently entertained at the Hide-and Seek Gentlemen's Club out on route 5 until she found God, was a wonderful model; the "Jesus is my drug counselor" tat that I did on her shoulder looks real nice, too. I guess some of the church ladies that were there weren't too happy, though, especially since my model, previously known as *Good Time Gladys*, apparently knew their husbands a little too well.
The second night, I drafted my own kids to help me put on a Bible play. I wanted to deliver a story with a moral, so I chose the Old Testament story of Elijah, whose bald head was mocked by the kids. My kids played the mockers, making fun of my bald head, and then I, as Elijah, told them that God would get them. My kids turned and said, "Oh no! Here comes God's attack bear!", which was the cue for our obese Saint Bernard, Butterfly, to come bounding in jumping all over them and slobber on them like she does, while my kids hollered that they sure wished they hadn't made fun of a handsome bald man, since God was having this here bear smack them around. As Pastor Clemons told me later, most of the play was okay, except for the end where I turned to the kids and shook my fist at them, telling them that God was just waiting for the opportunity to send a bear to get 'em, if they didn't act right. Apparently some of the kids have had nightmares about bears ever since.
The rest of the week went okay, I thought, although Pastor Clemons thinks that my demonstration of how firing a rifle into the baptismal pool, to show how to bring fish to the surface of a lake, was a mistake. She wants me to fix the baptismal, too, but I told her I know a guy, so I think that took care of it. The church ladies were also very upset that I walked in, finishing off a beer. I used the opportunity to tell the bible story of how Jesus turned the water into PBR, but the ladies protested that that wasn't scriptural. I don't understand that; I mean, Jesus was a man, so I'm sure he liked to knock a few back after a long day of performing miracles. So far as I can see, the Bible only says "Be not drunk with wine", and PBR ain't wine, as any decent trailer park man such as myself can tell you.
Anyway, what are some good activities that are manly and all that I can present that won't ruffle the feather of the mother hens here? Brother Percival offered to demonstrate mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, if I would play the part of someone dying who needed it, but our practice run didn't go too well. I don't recall mouth-to-mouth resuscitation requiring so much tongue. What are some good activity suggestions to make this second week so good it will make up for the bad first week?
See, there are a lot of church ladies helping out with this thing, so the activities are all girly stuff, like sewing and baking and junk. The church agrees with me that there needs to be some more male-type activities, but the only other man helping out is the church choir director, Brother Percival, and the only contribution he has made has been to show all the kids how to put a perm in someone's hair. I've been pretty much left on my own to come up with good activities.
I thought I was doing well the first night, when I demonstrated how to do a tattoo. One new church member, who until recently entertained at the Hide-and Seek Gentlemen's Club out on route 5 until she found God, was a wonderful model; the "Jesus is my drug counselor" tat that I did on her shoulder looks real nice, too. I guess some of the church ladies that were there weren't too happy, though, especially since my model, previously known as *Good Time Gladys*, apparently knew their husbands a little too well.
The second night, I drafted my own kids to help me put on a Bible play. I wanted to deliver a story with a moral, so I chose the Old Testament story of Elijah, whose bald head was mocked by the kids. My kids played the mockers, making fun of my bald head, and then I, as Elijah, told them that God would get them. My kids turned and said, "Oh no! Here comes God's attack bear!", which was the cue for our obese Saint Bernard, Butterfly, to come bounding in jumping all over them and slobber on them like she does, while my kids hollered that they sure wished they hadn't made fun of a handsome bald man, since God was having this here bear smack them around. As Pastor Clemons told me later, most of the play was okay, except for the end where I turned to the kids and shook my fist at them, telling them that God was just waiting for the opportunity to send a bear to get 'em, if they didn't act right. Apparently some of the kids have had nightmares about bears ever since.
The rest of the week went okay, I thought, although Pastor Clemons thinks that my demonstration of how firing a rifle into the baptismal pool, to show how to bring fish to the surface of a lake, was a mistake. She wants me to fix the baptismal, too, but I told her I know a guy, so I think that took care of it. The church ladies were also very upset that I walked in, finishing off a beer. I used the opportunity to tell the bible story of how Jesus turned the water into PBR, but the ladies protested that that wasn't scriptural. I don't understand that; I mean, Jesus was a man, so I'm sure he liked to knock a few back after a long day of performing miracles. So far as I can see, the Bible only says "Be not drunk with wine", and PBR ain't wine, as any decent trailer park man such as myself can tell you.
Anyway, what are some good activities that are manly and all that I can present that won't ruffle the feather of the mother hens here? Brother Percival offered to demonstrate mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, if I would play the part of someone dying who needed it, but our practice run didn't go too well. I don't recall mouth-to-mouth resuscitation requiring so much tongue. What are some good activity suggestions to make this second week so good it will make up for the bad first week?
Answer
Well, Jack, this is a disaster so far. I'm surprised at you. Have you shown them how to put a rusty Chevy up on blocks in case they need it later for parts? Have you taught them how to stockpile MREs for Armageddon? (Why do men always leave it to the women to stockpile the MREs?)
I was with you on using the Saint Bernard as a bear until i realized you didn't use a rabid Saint Bernard. How are they supposed to get the real horror of the experience if the worst that happens is doggie slobber?
And you should never shoot a rifle in the baptistry to simulate fishing. That is why the good Lord gave us dynamite!
Go back and try again. Now, to make up for offending the ladies with the PBR, act out the story of Noah getting drunk with wine and being found nekkid in his tent. (I have a feeling Brother Percival might be up for playing Noah.)
:)
Well, Jack, this is a disaster so far. I'm surprised at you. Have you shown them how to put a rusty Chevy up on blocks in case they need it later for parts? Have you taught them how to stockpile MREs for Armageddon? (Why do men always leave it to the women to stockpile the MREs?)
I was with you on using the Saint Bernard as a bear until i realized you didn't use a rabid Saint Bernard. How are they supposed to get the real horror of the experience if the worst that happens is doggie slobber?
And you should never shoot a rifle in the baptistry to simulate fishing. That is why the good Lord gave us dynamite!
Go back and try again. Now, to make up for offending the ladies with the PBR, act out the story of Noah getting drunk with wine and being found nekkid in his tent. (I have a feeling Brother Percival might be up for playing Noah.)
:)
Anyone fear Fundamentalist Christians more than Fundamentalist Muslims here in the USA?
msfan80
I find Fundamentalist Christians more dangerous than Fundamentalist Muslims here in the USA. Fundamentalist Christians want to subvert the Constitution to meet their own ends. They want to do away with the separation of church and state (witness the number of churches being involved in politics, why aren't they being taxed?) Fundamentalist Christians preach smaller government but want to tell a woman what to do with her body, who people should and shouldn't marry, what we should or shouldn't read, burn books (Harry Potter and the Koran), preach only the parts of the Bible that suits them (why don't we stone people who eat shell fish like Leviticus says?) and tell other religions they are "going to hell" because they are not the "right religion (from personal experience: I went to a Pentecostal church for a year and the overriding message was that Catholics, Hindus, Buddhists and any other religion that wasn't Pentecostal were going to hell.). So who's more frightening: a home grown Fundamentalist religion (Christians) that is already here in droves or one (Moslems) whose fundamentalist numbers are a small fraction of the total religion? My vote goes to fundamentalist Christians.
Answer
Let's see....
1. The government tells women what to do with their bodies. Did you know that a woman can face a court-martial in the military for getting a sunburn or a tattoo? Article 92 of the UCMJ, if you're interested. So, are you complaining about the government doing this?
2. The government also tells people who should and shouldn't marry. In 1937, for instance, the state of Tennessee enacted a law after a 9-year-old girl married a 21-year-old man saying that people under 14 couldn't get married. The government also states that relatives (brothers and sisters, parents and children, anyone closer than 3rd cousin) cannot get married.
3. Any library you walk into is censoring what you can and cannot read, simply by carrying it or not carrying it. And, since it is your tax money that is paying for it, you have a right to say what it's spent on -- especially given the fact that libraries think there's nothing wrong with depressed 13-year-olds checking out the book "Final Exit."
4. Anyone, even those sitting in the Pentecostal, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Episcopal, or Lutheran churches every Sunday, who has not had his/her sins forgiven the one and only way that God mandates they be forgiven is going to Hell, period. Not my opinion, not my rule. It's God's world and Heaven is His home, and as such He can make the rules.
5. The most recent polls, from secular organizations as well as church-based groups, state that "fundamentalist Christians" are about 5% of the Christian population (which is put at about 75%). Doing the math, that's about 11 million people -- versus 100,000,000 "fundamentalist Muslims" (assuming their claims that there are a billion Muslims with 10% of them being of the "fundamentalist" variety).
Finally, remember this: if you insult Jesus, a Christian will tell you he's praying for you. If you insult Muhammad, a futwah (death sentence) will be put on your head. Which one is really more dangerous?
Let's see....
1. The government tells women what to do with their bodies. Did you know that a woman can face a court-martial in the military for getting a sunburn or a tattoo? Article 92 of the UCMJ, if you're interested. So, are you complaining about the government doing this?
2. The government also tells people who should and shouldn't marry. In 1937, for instance, the state of Tennessee enacted a law after a 9-year-old girl married a 21-year-old man saying that people under 14 couldn't get married. The government also states that relatives (brothers and sisters, parents and children, anyone closer than 3rd cousin) cannot get married.
3. Any library you walk into is censoring what you can and cannot read, simply by carrying it or not carrying it. And, since it is your tax money that is paying for it, you have a right to say what it's spent on -- especially given the fact that libraries think there's nothing wrong with depressed 13-year-olds checking out the book "Final Exit."
4. Anyone, even those sitting in the Pentecostal, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Episcopal, or Lutheran churches every Sunday, who has not had his/her sins forgiven the one and only way that God mandates they be forgiven is going to Hell, period. Not my opinion, not my rule. It's God's world and Heaven is His home, and as such He can make the rules.
5. The most recent polls, from secular organizations as well as church-based groups, state that "fundamentalist Christians" are about 5% of the Christian population (which is put at about 75%). Doing the math, that's about 11 million people -- versus 100,000,000 "fundamentalist Muslims" (assuming their claims that there are a billion Muslims with 10% of them being of the "fundamentalist" variety).
Finally, remember this: if you insult Jesus, a Christian will tell you he's praying for you. If you insult Muhammad, a futwah (death sentence) will be put on your head. Which one is really more dangerous?
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Title Post: I'm not doing well helping out with my church's Vacation Bible School; any suggestions on how I can do better?
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Thanks For Coming To My Blog
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